I’ve recently found myself in a situation where I feel I’m part of a group that is bullying another person.  I don’t think I have said anything that has made this person feel bad, but I have been a party to it.  I’ve been the one that hasn’t spoken up and said, “this is wrong.”  I have been the person that laughs with the rest.  I do not want to be that person.

I’ve been debating on how to deal with the situation.  Do I walk away?  Do I say something?  Do I do both?  By not doing or saying anything I’m complacent in the bullying and therefore I’m just a guilty.

I watched the movie Wonder on my way home from Toronto on Tuesday.  It really hit home.  

Respect.  

Bullying is not respectful and all people, whether they are your friend or just a person walking down the street, deserves to be respected.

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The past

This weekend we were cleaning the basement. I got lost for quite a while in a box that had old writings…mainly old journals and IMs from my late high school and early college years.

A few items of note, as I’m very much the same person I’ve always been:

  • I have always been s networker/connector of people, yet I’ve never had a home.
  • Feelings of not feeling in and accidental pushing people away are identical to today.
  • I wrote about my first dates with Zach just days after and I’d forgotten about it and the tangled weave that was my love life back then.
  • After reading my writings, I think my morals pertaining to any physicalness were more because of my ideas of being judged by others (the person I might kiss, or be physical with) rather than a strong moral conviction.

In 15-20 years, I wonder what my blogs will show me about who I am now. Will I still be struggling to make human connections, or will I have grown to be confident in who I am and not care?

Projects

A sloth.  That’s what Isaac and Lynzie have decided my spirit animal is.  This was based off of three questions and Isaac’s ideas about animals because I’m lazy.  Yep…pretty much the only thing I’m consistiently good about doing is my job…lol…everything else is a nice idea.

I recently deleted all (okay, almost all) the games off my phone.  I realized that years ago I accomplished so much!!!  I had projects, we had projects and we got stuff done.  Then we had kids and we STILL got stuff done, but slowly over the years, less and less gets done.  I determined I spent a lot of time playing games on my phone.

So the last week I did a lot of reading (still on my phone!), but this weekend, I’ve been largely away from my phone, but I can’t say that I’ve been more productive.

I took a class at work this week on procrastination…one of the causes of procrastination is being overwhelmed.  Today I tried to help Zach organize the basement, but I kept getting distracted with other things and then I had so many things in my face that I didn’t even know what to do.

So…

  • when a load of laundry is done, put it away…don’t wait for five loads to be done because then it is a daunting task!!!
  • Don’t let the kids keep ALL THE TOYS…have them get rid of some to get new ones.
  • Don’t start a new project when you are still working on the last one.

I need to work on these things….but first always eat, otherwise you’ll become stuck in a chair with no energy and no motivation to do anything!

One Gallon

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

On Sunday we bought one gallon of really delightful ice cream.

On Monday night, Lynzie stayed up until nearly midnight and waking her up for school was going so well.  We were running short on time, so I quietly whispered in her ear…do you want that yummy ice breakfast?

Her face lit up with a giant smile and suddenly those sleepy eyes were no more.  She quickly dressed, packed her snack and headed to the car, where I let her eat her bowl of ice cream (and I ate one too!).

The rest of the week, the kids and I had ice cream for breakfast.  Here’s the thing…they were better behaved, and I didn’t have the sugar crush I normal get mid-day, so I’m guessing they were the same.

Which got me to thinking…why do we allow cereal for breakfast, but not ice cream?  Cereal doesn’t leave you full and drops you dead in about and hour later, but if you are a kid, you behave like a crazy person during that time, which is why cereal isn’t allowed in our house….but with this weeks success with ice cream, it might make the breakfast cut!

P.S…this morning that gallon was emptied–it was seriously good!

Moving Forward

Our family seems to be recovering from the miscarriage fine…most day everything is 100% normal, the same as it was before.

Some days Lynzie talks about babies and how sad she is that Baby Seashell died.

Some days I see friends who have a baby or are pregnant and I’m so happy for them.

Some days that same scene makes me deeply sad.

Some days I want to be pregnant again.

Some days I’m fine with what God has given us and just want to enjoy every little moment.

My emotions are all over the place, but I’m logical enough through all of it to know, I did nothing to cause this, it is okay to be vulnerable, and we were blessed, if even for a moment, with another blessing…a miracle…and for that we celebrate.

I’m alive

***Details regarding miscarriage…do not read if you don’t want all the gross details.***

It’s a funny thing…death.  We live just on the line.  It’s common for people to say, you never know if today will be your last…

On December 19th it was the 14 year anniversary of the day Zach proposed.  In 2017, it also was the day we’d schedule our first appointment to check on the baby and then Zach was called in for jury duty.  We wavered a bit…have Zach reschedule jury duty so he was guaranteed to make it to the appointment or take a chance of him getting sent home before the appointment.  In the end we decided to push his jury duty out.  It just felt right.

Isaac had to go to school, so we told him we’d record the ultrasound so he could see and hear the baby too.  Unfortunately, we were told we couldn’t record. 😦  We were so excited to see the baby, hear the heartbeat.  And then….nothing…baby was measuring 2 weeks behind where we expected…and was just too small for a heartbeat yet.

Disbelief.  Heartache. Empty.

The rest of the appointment was saddening.  We were told maybe we had the timing off, but their was a high probability that I would have a miscarriage and to prepare for that.

The next day (Wednesday), I had jury duty (side note…we had jury duty back to back for different courts, city and county…just days before Christmas…how does that happen?).  I sat in the jury room…I went through the motions…but I kept tearing up, crying off and on…I was so relieved when I was dismissed.  I wasn’t in the right emotional state to be a productive member of society.

Zach had taken the morning off to get the kids to school and we decided to spend the rest of the morning together.  We did some Christmas shopping, but we mainly cried.

One of the hardest things was having just a little bit of hope…maybe our dates were off and the baby was still alive.  By Friday I had fully convinced myself of this fact.  I was having a great day and then I got off work and went pee…

Spotting.  I called Zach crying, “I’m miscarrying.”

Saturday I continued to bleed, nothing too bad, similar to a normal period.  We’d explained to the kids that the baby hadn’t made it, but otherwise we tried to continue with our lives.

Sunday was Christmas Eve and we had plans to go to dinner with Zach’s mom and stepdad.  As we were getting to the car to head that way I felt a gush.  I rushed to the bathroom and I was definitely bleeding more, but I just added in an extra pad and brought some stuff with us.

When we arrived at the restaurant I immediately went to the bathroom.  I pulled my pants down and a clot got on my pants, soaking them, there was blood everywhere.  I started crying and called Zach.  He asked what he could do and I said I needed him.  So into the woman’s restroom he came.  We got me cleaned up, thankfully, at the last minute I had decided not to wear a dress and instead opted for jeans and a really long sweater.  The toilet and the floor were a different matter.  As I was washing my hands, a waitress walked in.  At first she was just chatty and then she realized that Zach was just walking out the door and holding it for me.  So she asked…

“Oh, I’m just in the middle of a miscarriage.  He came to help me clean up, but you still might want to get someone in to clean the toilet.”

“Oh my gosh.  Do you need me to call anyone?”

“No, I’m fine, thanks.” As I rushed out the door.

We had dinner.  I went back to the bathroom on our way out.  Soaked another pad.

In the car, I told Zach I felt dirty and really would love to go back to the house for a shower before going over to his Mom’s.  This required an extra hour of driving, but everyone agreed and we headed home.

I took a quick shower and dressed in comfy clothes.  I was learning how to pull my pants down and get the clots in the toilet verse my pants.  Still no pain.  We’d get through this.

Before heading back to my in-laws, we let the kids open their Christmas Eve gift (jammies), and headed back across town.  The evening had a sad undercurrent.  We all were trying to continue, but we were all sad.

Zach got Christmas ready and we all went to bed.

The next morning, I was still bleeding a lot.  I was feeling dizzy and just not right.  After calling the doctor (again, we’d called her the night before), we were told we should go to the ER.  After letting the kids open their stockings and one gift we took them over to my parents house and headed to the ER.

Spending Christmas in the ER is not on anyones bucket list.  Having and miscarriage AND spending it in the ER on Christmas is really not on the list.  We didn’t want to be there.  They checked me out, but ask stupid questions: How many pads are you going through an hour?  None…like 1 every 1.5 hours.  Oh, your fine.

They did an ultrasound and determined the miscarriage was complete, but determined that I had a clot in my cervix that needed to be removed.  We the MALE doctor was going to do it.  I started to panic…I’d never had a man besides Zach see my Vaginal area.  Thankfully, I had Zach to calm me down and tell me it was okay…but it was awkward.  He didn’t know what he was doing and in the end I don’t think he removed the clot completely (more on that later).

We were told I was slightly anemic, and to get some iron at the pharmacy and I should be fine.  Zach stopped at a pharmacy that was open on the way home and we picked up the kids.

We attempted to have a good rest of our Christmas.  I sat on the couch and the kids opened their presents.  I was still feeling dizzy, but I was anemic, that was to be expected.  I remember going to the bathroom at one point and running into the wall on my way.  I decided it was time to head upstairs for the night.

Zach walked with me up the stairs.  I was winded and dizzy….it was getting worse the longer I stood up.  Somehow we got me upstairs and I sat on the toilet.

I wanted to take a shower, so we devised a plan for Zach to stand in the shower with me and for me to sit on a stool.  It felt so good to get clean and thankfully we have a huge shower that allowed this to easily happen.  We turned off the water and I dried and put my undies and a shirt on before standing up.  I started to step out of the shower and the next thing I knew Zach was asking me if I could hear him and I was laying in a pile of dirty blankets next to the shower.

After some negotiations, that included me proving I could move and knew my name and birthdate, I was allowed to stay on the floor.  I’d asked Zach to setup the air matress in the bathroom so I didn’t have to go but two steps to the toilet.

Lyznie brought her new lego set to me.  I laid on the floor with her and we put together the lego set.  It was oddly perfect.  I can’t remember what Isaac was doing.

After a while, I told Zach it was silly to have the bed in the bathroom, but if we put it in our room the kids could sleep with us without bothering me.  And so, that’s what we did.

The next few days are a bit of a blur, but I can tell you some facts.  I never left the bedroom for the next two days.  But I ate and drank and did everything I’d been told do do.  I told my boss I couldn’t work on the 26th and Zach already had the day off.  On Wednesday (27th), I attempted to work from bed and Zach went back to work, but Zach’s parents and my dad came over throughout the day to ensure everything was okay.  We had multiple conversations with the kids on what do to if Mommy passed out…and we still had Christmas presents left to be open.

By Wednesday evening I had a pretty bad headache.  I told Zach if I still had it in the morning we needed to go to the doctor.

By morning it was worse.  I didn’t want to eat.  I didn’t want to drink.  And when I stood up the headache got so bad….I honestly don’t remember ever feeling pain that bad.

We called my OBGYN and they scheduled an appointment, but then called us back because they didn’t think it had anything to do with the miscarriage and they didn’t handle migraine.  I was pissed, but had Zach call my primary care doctor, who agreed to see us, so we cancelled the OBGYN appointment.

When we got to the doctor, everyone was compassionate and kind.  I wasn’t just a person making things up….I looked like death and they could see it.  They took a simple finger hemoglobin test and immediate determined that I needed a blood transfusion.  She tried to get me to eat something and called the OB to see if she could get me admitted to the hospital.

It was determined that the fastest way to get blood into me would be to go back to the ER.  The doctor told us if we promised to go straight to the ER Zach could drive me instead of calling an ambulance.

We’d left the kids at the neighbor’s and they agreed to keep them overnight.  Zach doesn’t like to leave me at the hospital alone and honestly, I don’t like to be left alone.

Back at the ER, I was in such pain.  It’s a slight blur, but I do remember this….the OB found another (or maybe the same) clot and needed to remove it.  She was working on that at the same time they were starting to give me blood and my head was killing me and it was painful having the clot removed.  There were like 100 people in the room and I wasn’t being the most cooperative.  The doctor suggested Fentenol and OMG…my whole world changed the second that hit my system.

The pain was gone.

The clot was removed.

The bleeding slowed.

I was given blood.

My color started to come back.

I started to be able to think….did I forget to mention I couldn’t think to work earlier in the day and it took me about half the day before I notified my boss.  I definitely was not all there.

As I began my second unit of blood I was transferred into the hospital for an overnight stay.  It took them a while (no beds) and they finally asked me if I was okay being on the maternity floor.  I said I was fine.

As strange as it is, we’d dealt with the loss of the baby.  Going back to the floor where the kids were born was healing.

Because I was there only for monitoring, they didn’t bug us throughout the night, but I wasn’t able to eat or drink after midnight.  If my numbers weren’t good, they were going to perform a DNC to get the bleeding to stop.

By morning, my numbers weren’t exactly where they wanted them so I got another unit of blood, but a DNC wasn’t in the plans.  We were discharged in the afternoon of the 29th….exactly 9 years to the day after we went to the same hospital to have Isaac.

When we got home, Isaac sat with me while Zach and Lynzie went and got Rogue at my parent’s house.  I was pretty tired so we all headed to bed once they were home…only Isaac didn’t sleep.

At 3AM, Zach woke me up.  He told me that Isaac had been up all night crying about his ears and he didn’t know what to do.  I texted my friend who is a pediatric ER doctor and she must have been on call because she responded within a few minutes, calming me down and providing direction to get us to the morning.

In the morning, on Isaac’s 9th birthday, we headed to the doctor where he was diagnosed with a double ear infection….so bad that the doctor wanted him back in 10 days to ensure it had gone away….which happened to be the day before we would be leaving on our first cruise.

We spent Isaac’s birthday recovering…watching movies and playing video games.

All along we were thankful for the small things…that Isaac slept fine at the neighbors, not showing any signs of an ear infection, that we had neighbors that we trusted and were able to watch our children for almost 48 hours no problem, for our parents that could take the dog and watch over me, the fact that I had no pain through the miscarriage and experienced such peace, for the fact that I changed my clothes last minutes, for our jobs that had the flexibility for this to not be a big deal in our job security, but most of all, at the end of it all, we are thankful I’m alive and thankful that we had a cruise to look forward to and to separate the bad, crazy end of year with a fresh beginning.

We’re what?!

It was the week of Thanksgiving.  The day before to be exact, that I broke a promise I’d made to my husband.  Before we ever got pregnant with Isaac, we made a decision that I’d never take a pregnancy test without him.  But I was a week late, my sis was in town staying at our house for the night, Thanksgiving was coming and I just wasn’t feeling quite normal.  So I did it.  I peed in a cup and dipped a four years expired pregnancy test in.

I didn’t have to wait before it popped up with those two lines.  I wasn’t expecting it at all.  Lynzie had been such a challenge to get pregnant with and for 5 years, we’d managed to not get pregnant without taking any precautions.  I immediately started stressing.

My sister was downstairs with all the kids.

My husband was at work.

I was supposed to be working.

Panic.  I started pacing.

I texted Zach that I needed to speak with him, but that he needed to step away.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait long…he called.  I told him what a horrible person I was and that I needed him to get a new NOT expired test on his way home so we could check the results of the first one.

And that’s how we ended up taking another pregnancy test on Thanksgiving day that confirmed we were indeed pregnant.  We decided we would keep it under wraps for the day despite the fact that we had all the family in one place.  This was going to take a moment to get used to.

On Friday, we told the kids first thing in the morning.  They were so excited.  We recorded it on video and I have yet to be able to watch it, but they were so excited.  We swore them to secrecy.  And then we went to the store.

As soon as the garage was open, Lynzie saw the neighbor across the street and announced to the entire neighborhood, “My mom’s going to have another baby!!”

With my side of the family coming over the next day for cinnamon rolls, we decided to make the announcement to everyone.

On Saturday, the family assembled.  It took quite sometime to get everyone in the same room and we told the kids they could tell everyone…and they said NOTHING!!!  It took a few more goes and finally they got it out….a collective gasp and cheers passed through the room.  It was seriously a wonderful moment!

Content.  Happy.  Excited.  That’s where we were.

Travel with the KIDS…always.

In January, we left on a 10 day family vacation.  Yes I took my kids out of school for a week and a half.  Yes, they were only back at school for 2 days because of Christmas vacation before we left on our trip.  Do I regret it?  NO!

I’ve been known to take my kids out of school to travel.  In the last year and a half, I think I’ve taken them out four times.  I read a letter from the school today that said, please schedule vacations around our holidays.  While that sounds nice in theory, it Za really work for us.

  1. Due to his line of work, it’s easier for Zach to get off work when the kids are in school, rather than out.
  2. It’s cheaper to travel when school is in session…by hundreds of dollars.

I don’t remember traveling when I was growing up.  I know I went on a plane when I was about five.  We traveled to SLC – my mom and I.  I have very vivid memories of that trip.  Next plane trip I was 12 and flew to North Dakota to visit family.  Again, I have lot of memories and grew up a lot on that trip.  We never camped and went on one road trip – as a family.

As I became a teenager, I started to travel on my own or with friends, so it’s not like I’ve never left Colorado.

Last year I realized….I love to travel, and I especially love to travel with my kids.  I know that sounds odd…you’ve got more costs, more whining, higher frustrations, different types of activities….but it brings me so much joy.

A year and a half ago, I had the crazy idea to take my two kids on a four day weekend trip on my own to Tennessee.  This required airport travel, getting a rental car and driving three hours just to get to our destination and then we had to do the same in reverse.  But guess what?  They stepped up and were AMAZING!  I learned to give a little…I allowed electronics the entire airplane ride, candy was a good distraction for waiting periods.  We had an amazing time.  We have great memories that we are always taking about.  We met new people and had experiences we’d never have at home.  We learned to adapt to others way of life and not worry so much about what we wanted, but to be thankful in what we had in that moment.  When you travel, you learn things in ways that you never can by staying at home.

And so we travel….A few of the best…

2014, October – Road trip to Las Vegas for a wedding.  Comes with great stories of misbehaving cars and people with no compassion.

2015, June – Road trip to Wyoming with the kids and Grandma Betty.  This was a year before she died.  I have amazing memories of chatting with her about life on the long drive.  My kids got to know her heart and meet her family.

2015, July – 18 day road trip to Wyoming, California, Oregon and Washington.  We saw so MUCH!  Bridges and breads, melted fingers and bats, lavender and snow.

2016, February – Long weekend trip by plane and car to Wisconsin to visit family.  Learned about the process for making cheese and how bitter cold the north really is.

2016, October – Long weekend trip by plane and car to Tennessee for Tesni’s 1st birthday.  Got to ride horses, go on a boat, Isaac got to drive it, go-carting and learning the basics for hobby farming.

2017, June – Cousin camping with extended family.

2017 – September – Another Wisconsin trip, tacked onto a work trip.

2017, October – Disneyland.  The kids first real beach experience with friends who know how to beach day.

2018, January – Houston and Cruise.  So many sights…space center, zoo, aquarium, Children’s Museum.  Beach days, Mayan ruins, new countries, sea lions, dolphins and so much more.

So far, we don’t have much planned this year.  I’m itching and we are only a month out from the last trip.  But I seriously love just being with my family and exploring new things…it really doesn’t get any better than that.

 

2017

OMG!  I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve written on here.  I think the challenge is I rarely pull my computer out and I do not like typing on the phone or the iPad.  Maybe I need to get a keyboard for my iPad….

So, a quick (am I ever quick?) review of 2017….

Let’s start in December 2016…on Christmas Day Lexi didn’t come to bed…she couldn’t muster the strength to go up the stairs.  Christmas was a sad…we said our good-byes and on the 26th we let Lexi go.

Our intention wasn’t to get a dog right away, but it’s hard to have a dog your whole life and not have one.  In February, we happened across a hypoallergenic breed called a Havanese and there happened to be a breeder about 20 minutes away with 12 puppies….we went to see them and came home with Rogue.  It’s hard to believe she has been with our family for almost a year.

OH!  Let’s backup a bit…I remember why I stopped writing.  Stupid stuff was going on and I didn’t want to spread it around, but it was all I could think of to write and so…nothing.

Here is the low-down of the changes in the last year and a half:

  • Zach got a new job (same job, different school)
  • Lexi passed
  • I traveled a lot for work
  • The kids took skate lessons
  • Rogue joined our family
  • Stacy visited a few times
  • I got a promotion
  • We had some great times with some amazing neighbors
  • The kids found Facebook Live
  • We went on a cousins camping trip to Steamboat
  • The kids took swimming lessons
  • Susie moved back
  • Cody bought a house
  • Zach grew a lot of stuff in a small space…including a GIANT pumpkin.
  • The kids and I ran the Color Run
  • The kids and I went to Wisconsin
  • The kids saw their first theater performance – Frozen @ the Buell
  • Lynzie turned five at Disneyland!
  • Isaac joined choir and sang at the Nuggets game
  • Stacy and Joe came for Thanksgiving with their kiddos
  • We got pregnant!
  • I had a miscarriage
  • I had a blood transfusion
  • Isaac got his first ear infection
  • We went on a cruise.

Plans for this year include:

  • Lynzie starts kindergarten
  • Make a baby
  • Buy a new car
  • Travel to nowhere
  • Camp at the Sand Dunes

 

There you go…I can be fast sometimes. 🙂

 

The Wedding that Shouldn’t Have Been (at least for me)

I was just looking through my drafts…so funny to see my half finished posts!  I do write more than gets posted I guess.  A challenge for me: write BEFORE I play Candy Crush.  Candy Crush is sucking my life away.  I love the game – all three versions I have on my phone.  I can be productive IF I only get my 5 lives, but when they give me unlimited lives for 2+ hours, I feel I must use that time and hence nothing gets done.  Such a waste of time and the funny thing…when I’m traveling, when I have all this time to kill in a hotel room or on a bus or in an Uber, I don’t play.  I don’t even want to play, no desire.  Explain that.

So what brought me to WordPress today?  I was looking through my Facebook profile on public to ensure my posts have been posting to the privacy level I want.  It’s sooo easy to lose track of who your audience is on Facebook, so I try to do this every couple of months.  Profile photos are always public and so that is mainly ALL my public profile is.  I ran across this photo:10004045_10100427377828923_3431675129484108062_n

Great shot, right?  I look good, Zach looks good, we look happy, right?  For this brief moment we were.

And the memories of when this photo was taken come flooding back.  I’ve never written about it, but I felt like today I should. I haven’t before because, well, I don’t blog much, but also because this was a special day for someone and I didn’t want my negativity to cloud that beautiful day for her.  I doubt she reads my blog, but if she does…please don’t take this personally.  And lastly, my husband is amazing and I don’t like to be negative about him, but this wasn’t his day.  Sometimes a lot of little things just melt into one bad experience.

Let me set the stage.  This was a few years ago.  Earlier this day, we’d sold our first house.  The house we’d lived in for 12 years, the house both our kids had ever call home, was signed over to someone else.  While we were able to take a big check to the bank, there were a lot emotions and we had just three days to move out.  We were taking a break for a to attend this wedding.

I love weddings!  I especially love attending weddings with my husband.  They are like the ultimate date night.  Watch two people madly in love express their love to the world and remember our love – hold hands, whisper sweet things to each other, smile, dance.  This is joy to me.  Even with the kids in tow, this is how I experience weddings.

This wedding was no different.  I was excited to go – had been for months and it was so close to our anniversary.  The wedding was for one of Zach’s former co-workers and a bunch of work people (women) were going.  It was outside and a western/county type wedding.

I wore a cute short (much shorter than I normally wear) dress I know Zach likes  with high boots.  I did my makeup and even wore jewelry.  I wanted Zach to be excited to have me by his side.

Zach looks hot too.  He wore the dress pants I like and looks real sharp.  The kids were dressed nicely too, although I don’t remember the specifics anymore.

We left a bit early as we had to drive across town in rush hour traffic and didn’t want to be late.  We weren’t.  We were plenty early, about 15-20 minutes.  We waited in the parking lot for the rest of the work folk before we began the longish walk to the ceremony site.

It was really cold and windy, slightly rainy.  Zach walked with his employees leaving me to drag the cold children behind us as I tried to keep my skirt from flying up and exposing me to the world.  I became so uncomfortable, so quickly and regretting my decision to dress in the “not-Jenn” dress.

We took our seats and we were all cold.  We were still early and we had blankets in the car, so I asked Zach to go get them.  My request wasn’t received well.  It was a long walk and he wanted to talk to his work people.  I didn’t want to have to worry about my dress the whole walk there and back.  Eventually, someone he works with went with him to the car and all was good.

The ceremony was short and sweet.  Good thing, because the kids weren’t having it.  They were hungry, tired, cold and bored.  A bad combination.

The reception was another longish walk to a barn.  Again, I was the tail, as I watched Zach walk and chit chat with his right hand woman.

The reception was so cutely decorated and had lots of outdoor “county” games to play while we waited for the bride and groom.  Unfortunately, it was cold, so none of us wanted to be outside and my kids wanted food.  We went in and decided to claim our seats so all the work people could see at a table as there didn’t appear to be any assigned seating.

We were at a table.  The work people filled the entire table and everyone else was coming in and getting settled.  There were only 1 and 2 open spots open at the rest of the tables when the wedding organizer came to our table and said we had to move as that was the table for the brides family.  Zach wasn’t there, I can’t remember where he’d gone this time.  I had a lot of stuff (blankets, bag with things for the kids) and a two and four year old who were in melt down mode to move.  I told her okay, I’d work on it and began to make the move.

I couldn’t move without having a place, I couldn’t see a place and didn’t have a scout, so I was kind of waiting it out, waiting for Zach to come back and help me.  I didn’t make it.  I got yelled at again to move.  So we did.  I stood up with my kids and walked to the wall with all my stuff, and set it down.  The kids didn’t understand why we were moving.  Two people came and sat at the table that we’d been at (mother and father I think) and glared at us.  The kids started crying.  I crouched down, trying to soothe them and probably exposing myself to everyone.  We were causing a bit of commotion and were getting stares from everyone.  I finally sat on the ground as Zach came back.

He asked why we were sitting on the ground by the door.  I tried to explain the situation to him and he too pointed to the table we were sitting at and said, “Let’s sit there.”  I told him we weren’t welcomed there.  The rest of the employees had filtered through the crowd and split up and sat at separate tables, but I couldn’t really put my two year old with a bunch of people she didn’t know, could I?

The bride and groom came in…in the door right next to me, so everyone continued to stare.  The “parent’s” who’d taken our table, continued to glare and give me the evil eye.  Zach finally got the organizer’s attention and asked her where she expected us to go.  She pointed to a cocktail table with no chairs, because you know, that is a perfect eating situation for two young children.  At this point, I’d had enough.  I looked at Zach and said, “We aren’t welcome here.  I’m going to sit in the car with the kids.  You can stay and enjoy the wedding.” And I left.

Zach chased me a bit, then let me go.  A few minutes later he came to the car and said we could come in and sit at our original table.  By this time, Lynzie had fallen asleep and I didn’t feel comfortable sitting with the people who’d sat their and glared at me.  Nor did I want to bring anyone down.  I told him he could take Isaac and do what he wanted.

The boys went back to the wedding and I sat in the car and cried and cried.  I cried so hard – for two hours.  I wanted so to post to Facebook and get people to engage with me – tell me they understood my misery – but I resisted and I’m so glad I did

Zach wasn’t the first one to leave the wedding.  I’d say about half the people left before I saw him and Isaac again.  They brought me a plate of food, but it was cold and gross and I was overly hungry and emotional and so it didn’t go over well.  Which led to Zach yelling at me and me yelling at him and turning an already miserable wedding experience into an even worse one.

Good thing we had a long drive (about an hour) to get home, as we didn’t speak most of the way home.  Eventually I explained how I felt left in the dust and how much I always look forward to weddings.  He explained he didn’t have any intentions of treating me that way, but can see how I could have experienced that.  We forgave.  We moved on.

It is still the worst wedding experience that I didn’t really attend.   This photo was taken in the few moments after we arrived before my world slid down into the gutter, but it brings back all these raw emotions every time I see it.  I hope that the bride and groom were oblivious to my experience.  Although I left mid-wedding, so that’s a bit far-fetched, maybe a better hope is that my missing presence and the circumstances around it did not taint their day.  I hope that their day was filled with all the joy that I experienced on my wedding day and that their marriage is long and filled with happiness and love.