Losing Mystery

I dreaded Speech in college.  I’d always been a shy girl and getting up and speaking for a crowd was just not my thing.  Silly that a girl who was going to school to be a teacher was scared to get up and speak to a class, but so true.  I think I was a different person when I taught…I was outgoing, friendly, loud, confident, all these things I don’t really think of myself as.

I was lucky to get a great speech teacher.  He was fun and entertaining and actually wanted us to succeed and did everything he could to make that happen.  He said we needed to feel comfortable, like we were a family and as such, he spent a lot of time telling us about himself.  I don’t remember all that much, but I do remember he was proud of his marriage.  He’d been married a long time and was completely in love with his wife.  He said the keys was to leave a little mystery…his example: he’d never watched he wife get ready, do her hair and put her make-up on.

Now, I’ve never believed in his theory.  In fact, I always thought the opposite, that spouses should be open, honest and not have “mystery.” But this little piece of “wisdom” has stuck with me for the last ten years.  And recently, I’ve begun to thing about it in different terms…in terms of friendships and other relationships.

In this day and age, we have the opportunity to share our lives with the world.  We can post photos to Facebook, Twitter, WordPress and a variety of other sources.  We can provide status updates and even check-in.  But is there something to leaving a little mystery?  Are we scarificing our close relationships for more “internet” relationships?  Or are we networking and keeping in touch?

I know this is a topic widely discussed and debated.  And in the end, I guess we will never know.  I do know, that I wonder if I would have any friends if it wasn’t for this Internet world. Friends who were once lost, are some of my closest friends.  Family I hardly ever knew, I’ve visited and felt like family.  And there are several people who claimed we’d always been friends, but we aren’t and I feel like that might have happened with a lot of my friends if it wasn’t for the instant connection of the Internet.

Friendships generally develop because of a common aspect…work, school, church.  When that shared aspect is changed, as time goes on the visits are further and further apart…the phone calls are more and more distant until you know longer have anything “real” to talk about…you can only ever really play catch up.




I’m feeling the urge to write, but every thing that comes to mind seems redundant or isn’t really a topic for the public.  I’ve always wanted my blog to be open and honest, and it is with two exceptions:

  1. I don’t write about things I don’t want to talk about.  Meaning, if I haven’t or don’t plan on talking about the subject outside my house it doesn’t go on the Internet or I make it private.  Sometimes these are things I really do want to talk about, but I don’t want to all at the same time.  Just tangles me in circles.
  2. I don’t write about things I’ve been specifically asked not to share.  Secrets.  Unfortunately, it is sometimes these secrets that take up my brain power and I want desperately to write about them.

If I’m silent it’s because there is a lot on my mind that is un-bloggable.  I never really thought that would happen, maybe I’m maturing in my old age.

The Things Kids Say

They always say kids say the darnest things.  And as kids start to communicate more, they really do say great things.  In an attempt to document some of the great things Isaac says, I’m going to try to do a weekly post on the funny conversations that have transpired.

We got Isaac an easel this weekend. Our office is so crowded and I was trying to give him an art space and remove the table that was taking up half the room. Zach was sitting in a chair and I was sitting on the floor and we were trying to show Isaac how it worked, but he wasn’t having it and walked out of the room. I asked him where he was going, “To get my chair. (pause) Duh!”

Recently Isaac has been taking action when his questions aren’t answered immediately, by yelling “Answer me now!” and if he can turning our faces to his.

At school, I ask Isaac who is friends are…as he looks around, “Not Gavin. Not Liam–there he is.” So I guess Gavin and Liam are his friends, he just didn’t see them. 🙂


I found my first iPod today and decided to set it up for Isaac.  He doesn’t need 30GB of music, but it’s cheaper than buying him a music player and he loves to listen to music.  I was holding it and holding my iPhone and thinking about how cool the iPod was when I first got it and now it is so obsolete.  That’s what happens.

Some how this all got me on to photos…so I decided to pull a photo from the middle of September from the last five years.  What’s crazy to me is these are all from after I was a teacher and I feel like I was a teacher just yesterday!

A Little Problem

I read a book yesterday.  Not a grand book, just a quick easy, no brainer read.  It was nice.  Made me want to read. So…

This morning I “went” to the library…the digital library and checked out 6 books.  Oops!  I didn’t even realize I had so many and now I have 21 days to get them all read.  Yikes!  Two of them are audio books, so I’ll listen to them when I’m doing my boring work reports, but the rest are true, sit down and read books.

And I’m excited.

A little update

A few weeks ago, I was accessing our external drive that has ALL our photos and videos and music and documents on it.  It was responding, opening things and then it just quit.  I know at some point, I’ll pay to get the stuff off it, as I only have videos from 2011 and photos from 2010 and 2011 on my computer and every other document, all my school stuff, all Zach’s school stuff is on the drive.  Argh!!

But as a result, it forced me to get back to uploading my photos to SmugMug – I pay for the service I should use it, right?  Anyway, I’ve also been uploading most of my videos, although some are a little too big.  All my albums are still hidden as I’m weeding through the ones I want to be shared with you all….but…..

This whole process got me to redesign my SmugMug site.  Then I decided I was done putting my Project 365 on SmugMug and then on WordPress…you can now find it with the link at the top of this page or by clicking here.  I have updated it through yesterday and I hope that I’ll be a little more on top of it now that I don’t have to duplicate efforts.

In redesigning my SmugMug, I realized my WordPress, this site, was still in my Winter theme- Oh my! – so I’ve also redesigned this a bit, although I’ve realized it looks much, much nicer on my mac than it does on Zach’s PC, but I guess that’s the price you PC users have to pay. 🙂

Take a Breath

Every year around this time I hear stories of moms dropping their kids off for their first day of school in tears.  This is generally for kindergarten, but I also hear these types of things when moms take their kids to their first day at preschool or daycare.  In fact, I’ve been one of those daycare workers having to deal with emotional moms and kids…I never wanted to be that mom.

I’m an emotional being, but not in outwardly ways.  Maybe I just got used to hiding tears and such growing up, regardless of the reason, it’s rare for me to cry outside of my house.  I didn’t cry when I got married.  I didn’t cry when Isaac was born.

Isaac started preschool on Tuesday.  Originally, Zach had said he wanted to take him with me.  I thought that would cause more stress for Isaac, so I told Zach if he really wanted to take him, I’d stay home.  It was hard for me to say, but I meant it, and thankfully, Zach gave in and allowed me to take him and he would pick him up (as he will every day, we even bought a new carseat for this arrangement to work).

Unfortunately, I was sick.  Not stuffy-nose, my head is going to explode sick.  Sick where you don’t want to move for fear of losing liquid from both sides.  I’d been up most of the night and called in sick to work.  I knew if I could just get Isaac to school I’d have three solid hours of pure quiet time to sleep.  Somehow I managed to get Isaac ready for school.  I thought a head to pack his bag, snack and clothes, so it wasn’t that big of a stretch.  I puked right before we left the house, so I figured I probably had enough time to get him there and get home before having another episode.

I was miserable as we shuffled into the school.   I didn’t want to speak to anyone for fear of them smelling my breath.  I didn’t want to move too fast for fear of losing myself.  My head just wasn’t in the right place.

We’d been talking to Isaac about school for a while.  We tried to tell him everything we knew would take place, the names of his teachers, where we’d be, who’d pick him up.  I didn’t want him to have any surprises.

We also had the issue of him being a two year old who only wears undies, but hasn’t really been away from us.  Will he tell someone else he needs to go?  Will the recognize when he is having too much fun to stop and go but really needs to?  So we talked to Isaac about this too.  Who he needed to talk to, where he needed to go.

There were families everywhere.  Moms and Dads.  Brother and Sisters.  I even saw some grandparents.  All to drop-off kids for their first day of school.  It was chaotic – a controlled chaos.  And the second we walked into Isaac’s room, he stopped, turned around and wanted up.  He was scared-nervous-despite all my attempts to prepare him, he didn’t know what to expect.

Of course, I looked like death warmed over, so all the adults were trying to comfort me, but really I was fine.  Even when I went to leave and Isaac started screaming.  I was fine.  I just wanted to make sure he calmed down before he threw up.  So I waited.  And others wanted to make sure I was okay.  Maybe that’s what I get for taking him to a Christian preschool.

20 minutes I waited until I heard his screams die down.  I wandered back to his room to peek in and he was okay.  Still standing by the door, but calm and talking to the teachers.  So I left.

3 hours later, when Zach called, I learned that he’d been good the rest of the morning.  But that somehow, he’d had an accident and ended up in someone else’s diaper and shorts.  I suppose part of that is my fault, since I didn’t put his extra clothes wear they asked us to, but left them in his backpack – but I was so miserable and hardly thinking.

Of course, this potty/diaper thing became an issue over the last few days.  I’ve tortured myself with the fact that if I was in Isaac’s teacher’s position, I would think parents were crazy for only sending diapers, but as a parent, I don’t want to regress and start putting Isaac in diapers or worse – pull-ups.  Zach encouraged me just talk to them and give it another day before stressing out.  The first day is always rough, especially when everyone is new.

And so I did.  I took a breath.

This morning:

Me: Isaac, do you want to go to school and play with your friends today?

Isaac: No

Me: Okay, are you hungry?  Do you want to eat breakfast?

Isaac: Yes.

Me: Let’s go downstairs and get some cereal, then you can get ready to go to school.

Isaac: I don’t want to go to school.

Me: Why?

Isaac: Because I don’t want you to leave me.

Me: Okay.  I’ll stay and play for a bit.  Then I’ll come home to work and you can stay and play with you friends.  Then Daddy will come get you in his silver car.  Does that sound okay?

Isaac: Yes.

On the way to school, Isaac jabbered about the trucks and tractors he saw.  Even correcting himself a few times when he confused the colors…the white tractor and the yellow …no the yellow tractor and the white truck.  When he saw the school come into sight, “There’s my school!”

Isaac insisted on wearing his backpack or “pakpak” as he calls it.  Which made for slow moving, since he kept falling off his shoulder and running into the back of his legs.  But I just took a deep breath.

When we got to his room, he walked right in and dropped his backpack.

Ms. K: Good Morning Isaac.

Isaac: Hi.  This is my pakpak.

Ms. K: And a very nice backpack it is.

Off to wash hands.  Then we did a puzzle together and the he wanted to move onto other toys.  So I found a place to sit in the room and waited for him for a while.  Watching other parents drop off their kids and them sniffle here and there.  Isaac took a book to Ms. N and before she got to read it to him, a new parent arrived that needed her attention.  Isaac brought the book to me and another little boy joined me on my lap to hear the story – I could so do that all day long, I don’t know why I every quit.  After two books I told Isaac that he needed to come talk to me.

He got a little attitude, but listened.  I took him potty.  We washed hands again.  And I asked him for a hug so I could go to work.  He gave me a big hug and then ran off to play.  I walked out the door whispering to his teacher that is she needed his snuggie was in his bag, but he didn’t know it.  She nodded and smiled.

No tears.  No big deal.

I was so excited to hear about the day.  The report: Isaac is a very polite boy.  No accidents.  He ate all his snack.  He painted.  He met new friends.  He played outside.  All and all a good day.

It might not happen every day, but I’m glad to know he is a good boy.  I’m glad to know he understands it’s okay to have fun away from us and that we will come back and get him.

Hanging On

Stop and smell the roses.

Enjoy the little things in life.

These are some of the biggest cliche we hear.  And man it’s easy to just get swept up in life…but today I’m hear to record one of my “little things.”

Zach and I rarely cook together anymore.  Before we had Isaac, I rarely cooked.  Zach cooked just to make sure we were both eating.  After Isaac, Zach was in school and I took on most of the cooking responsibility.  Now that Zach is done with school and our lives are getting back to the “usual,” things are slowing changing around our house.

Our kitchen is small.  Maybe one of the reasons we don’t cook together, but tonight, I had too much to do and asked Zach for a bit of help as I chopped our salad.  Zach was busy finishing up the hot food and needed something from a cupboard above me.  Somehow he indicated where he need access to and I leaned a bit to the side, as he leaned over me to reach for knifes or something.  Where I paused and focused was where is other hand ended up – lovingly, firmly, protectively on my waist.  It lingered longer than I expected.

Such and innocent, simple gesture.  One he probably isn’t even aware of…yet I felt extremely loved in that moment and just wanted to hang on.