Zach is working very diligently on school. He is in the last push (three weeks) before he student teaches starting in January. This is his typical schedule:
5:30am: Get ready for work
6:15am -10:15am: work
10:30am-noon: Homework or Observations in school
12pm-12:45pm: Lunch with us (if we are lucky)
1pm – 5pm: work
6pm-10pm: Homework or school with a short break for dinner with us
10pm-10:30pm: Puts us to bed
Weekends his spends mainly locked in the office.
As you can see we don’t get much time. I miss Zach. I miss chatting with him and watching TV and just being together. And I feel a lot like a single mom (although I do have him to call on when I really need). Isaac thinks Daddy is always in the office and really misses playing with him. But we decided a while back that it was better this way…more classes, less time in school – the goal was that Zach would be done with school by the time Isaac was two. While Zach won’t graduate until May (five months after Isaac turns two), but January to May is student teaching and not class, plus he won’t be working.
We’ve known for a long time that Zach wouldn’t work while student teaching. When I student taught I still managed to work 30 hours, but that was because I could work at nights and on the weekends, his job isn’t quite that flexible. We’ve been saving to prepare for this, but the closer it gets the more I’m getting a little freaked out. Thankfully, Zach will be able to return to his job at the end of student teaching, they are looking at it kinda like maternity leave, but part of me can’t help but wonder – what if they change their mind? What if he doesn’t find a teaching job? But really, I rarely think on this.
What I have been thinking about is myself.
I’m in bad shape (physically). I just to think I was in bad shape, but I used to walk everywhere, I climbed stairs, I put on clothes every day, I looked in the mirror to assess if I was presentable.
I’m becoming dumber. Maybe I just feel like this because I don’t read as much and I don’t have the discussions with other educators and adults like I used to.
I’m worried I won’t be able to get a teaching job and if I do I won’t know what I’m doing. I left teaching to start a family and help Zach get through school. But now I’m going on my fourth year away from the classroom and I really miss it. I want to teach again, but I’m afraid I’ve dug myself into a hole. I guess I have to just leave it in God’s hands and pray that we both get teaching jobs next year.
Change is uncomfortable, but without it we don’t get better and we don’t achieve great things. I watched three things over the weekend that were all about very different things, but all came down to this point and unfortunately, as humans we get in the way sometimes. We over think or won’t allow ourselves to be made so uncomfortable that would allow us to achieve the best results.
It’s hard to let go, lose the control, listen to God and follow His path, but really that is how we achieve greatness – not through us.