I tend to think too much. I worry about the future, but most of this worry is because I feel so blessed in life and I see others around me struggling. It doesn’t seem fair.
I have a house. A good job. A new car. Two dogs. TVs. Computers. Cable. Internet. Plenty of food. A beautiful son. An amazing husband. Who has a great job. A car. Blah. Blah. Blah.
We don’t have a lot of friends. Most of the people we classify as friends are from his “old life” or my “old life.” You know those lives you live before you get married. Before you have kids. We do have a few close friends and then some other friends that we see somewhat regularly – we aren’t hermits by any means. And while this bothers me a bit, it mainly because I’m a social person – I like to see people and interact. But really I don’t care because I have my best friend with me everyday.
Before I met Zach I was a slightly different person. I was quiet, introverted, shy, self-conscience, book smart, but not so street smart. I spent way too much time worried about what others thought of me.
Enter Zach…while I still tend to harbor a lot of these traits, especially around people who knew me “before,” around Zach I’ve always been me. I can ask the stupid questions about things instead of pretending I know what’s going on. I can sing as loud as I want in the car and not be asked to be quiet. I can dance, something I could never do. I can chill on the couch and just talk, I don’t have to be busy doing something. I can say words wrong, and even though I get corrected, I know there is no judgement. I can keep up with every person under the face of the sun and have no questions to answer. I can share my fears, my dreams. I’m just me including every flaw.
Zach and I have a great relationship. I LOVE being around him. It drives me crazy when I know he is doing something I could be apart of (ie, if he goes to the store on the way home) or if he is home and I’m away. I remember a few months ago, when Isaac was first born, Isaac was asleep and we needed to drive my mom home. In the past we would have done this together and it didn’t dawn on me right away that we wouldn’t be doing it together. Oh, right, someone has to stay home with the sleeping baby. We shop for groceries together, we run errands together….unless we are working, we are generally together. This works wonderfully for me, as I don’t seem to need that much alone time, but when we first got married, this drove Zach crazy. He is very fond of time spent by himself (maybe because he was an only child for 13 +ish years). I’ve learned to let Zach have time here and there and since he is a night owl and I’m typically in bed by 10, he gets a few hours there, but the bottom line is we like to be together.
Sometimes I wonder if this is healthy. Shouldn’t we have other friends…girl time, guy time, alone time. Maybe. But I don’t think it’s necessarily unhealthy. I mean it’s not like we are the same person. We both have very strong opinions and ideas and strengths and weaknesses and likes and dislikes. In fact, maybe that is part of the fun in being around each other…seeing and hearing another perspective. And, you’d think that with all this time we spend together there’d be a lot of fighting, getting on each others nerves, right? Nope. We rarely fight, although I do find that most of our fights are really the same fight…funny how that happens.
If you’ve stuck with me this long, you know I love my husband and I cherish our life together. I can’t imagine life any other way.
But then the worry…I watch TV, I read books, I follow the lives of “friends” and sometimes I wonder where we will be in 10 years, 20 years. Will we still love being around each other? What if one of us got sick, really sick, would the other one stand firm? What about our children? Will they be happy and healthy and love us?
I used to worry about gas prices. It was actually much more than that, but it all stemmed from there. I had a lot of anxiety. I remember Zach and I were reading the Bible together every night and every night there was a little nudge from God about not worrying and then one day I was just able to let it go. I wish I could find the verse that really resonated with me, (it was somewhere in the old testament, hows that? 🙂 ) but I guess God always has ways of getting to our hearts. Maybe for me, it was just getting it out on “paper.”