Thanks

I was pretty emotional last week and appreciate everyone who sent me an encouraging word.  I don’t think I responded to any of them, but I did read them all and they did help. 🙂  So thanks….and thanks to Mark’s post Dream it all up Again and the message at church on Sunday….God was definitely putting my life in perspective.

I had lunch with one of my ex-students, now friends, today.  In the course of the conversation, I realized working at home and not being surrounded by hundreds of people a day has allowed me to focus on all my problems and I’ve become more of a self-centered person than I ever was last year-and life isn’t about just me…I can’t afford to get lost in my self-pity.

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Engaged

My sister is getting married. I’m happy for her, but also disappointed. And I’m trying to keep all this bottled up inside, so she can be happy. It’s hard. I’ve finally warmed up to Joe a bit, but I’m having a little harder time with his family, but I guess that’s all fine and dandy, except for a few things I’ll note below.

Stacy promised me last summer that she’d wait to get married until Joe and her had lived in the same state for three months (as the entire time they’ve been together he has been in the Navy). Based on what I can tell, that’s not going to happen. But that’s part of the problem. Stacy won’t talk to me about her plans…it’s like she is hiding something from me…so all my information is hearsay.

Joe told me he was going to propose last weekend. I was so super happy. I was even happy on the day that Stacy finally called to tell us….yep that’s right….two days later. I understand her reasoning, she didn’t have much time to spend with Joe, but how many people don’t call and tell the people they are “close” to? But by that evening I was miserably depressed.

Some of Mom’s family was in town and we all had brunch together Sunday morning. Joe’s plane was leaving at 4 and he had to be at the airport by 2:30 (or at least that is what we were told). Anyway, at brunch we sat across from Stacy and Joe. Stacy was fine, but Joe seems to not like our family. He hardly ever smiles and doesn’t really interact. I don’t see him as this type of shy person, and maybe he is just always tired around us, but it’s weird. It’s the same overall feeling I get from his family. Like they are better than us or something. Stacy’s ring is one or two sizes too big and she asked me to go with her to get it resized before she leaves for Thailand and Vietnam. (This will become important later). I’d suggested that Stacy and Joe record “the story” together, because they will never be more excited about it than now and they won’t be together for a while. They liked that idea and I told them they were welcome to use my video camera…by the time they got to my house, I realized I had no empty or even partially empty discs. You can get them at the grocery store, which is between our house and Joe’s, so I suggested they stop there and get some. And they rushed off. We were left with the understanding that Joe’s parent’s would bring Stacy back to our house after the airport. Since they had told us Joe needed to be at the airport at 2:30, we were expecting her around 3:30 or so.

Mom, Dad and I really wanted to hang out with Stacy. We rarely get to see her and now with such exciting news. Well….by 4 we still hadn’t heard from her…so we called….no answer. She finally called us back around 5 and said that she was at Joe’s house hanging out with his little brother and that Joe’s parent’s were at the store and that they would drop her off later. We all took bets on when she’d show up. I guess we kinda know that she doesn’t like us and doesn’t really want to be around us. Anyway, about six she shows up. We are all about to get dinner and Joe’s mom and Joe’s brother help bring in Stacy’s stuff. And are quickly gone, but not before I find out that Joe’s mom is the one that did all the packing for there trip and right before she leaves, she said, “Give me a call this week and we’ll get lunch next weekend and get that ring resized.” WHAT??? What makes that her job? Shouldn’t that be something her mom or her sister help with? Not to mention the fact that Stacy has already asked me to do this. Stacy just nods and says yes. She then informs us that she is going to church and her friend is picking her up in 15 minutes. So we got 15 minutes, and part of that time was spent on the phone with friends telling them she was engaged. For some reason this devastated me. This is why I’ve tried to put distance between the two of us….I think I’m needier and she doesn’t understand that. Maybe it’s because she’s been handed everything on a silver platter her whole life….more about that later.

Here is what I’ve heard about the plans through the grapevine:

  • Stacy is doing a semester abroad next Spring (2009)
  • She graduates in May 2009
  • They plan on getting married in June 2009
  • She will not student teach (and finish her school) until later (after all the other plans?)
  • The goal is to get Joe transfered to Japan and move there after the wedding.
  • After Joe gets out of the Navy…three years from now, two years after they wedding, they want to join the PeaceCorps for two years.
  • Joe will have four groomsmen, but Stacy doesn’t know what to do about Bridesmaids….I’m confused/concerned….I don’t know if she wants me in the wedding, if she just assumes I will be in the wedding or will ever share her plans with me.

I’m scared to ask, because I don’t want to be disagreeable….I don’t want her to hate me because I open my stupid mouth on the things I disagree with but really have nothing to do with me. I have a tendency to be opinionated and it comes off wrong sometimes. Let’s take for example, that she is going to plan a wedding while in a foreign country, which means, she’ll come home, graduate, her fiance will come home and then have a wedding all in the same month. Not to mention Zach and I will both also be graduating that summer. Oh, and the fact they we are trying to have a baby and that could be thrown right in there with everything too. Part of me just wants her to get married and move away now, so I can stop stressing about it all.

Some random things that bother me about my sister and my parents:

  • I paid 100% of my college tuition and books.
  • Mom and Dad have paid for half of Stacy’s, if not more.
  • I wanted to travel like my sister, but didn’t have the ability (money) because of school.
  • Mom and Dad let Stacy use their FF miles for random trips all the time, but never would for me, even when I had a ligitimite reason.
  • We (Zach and I) paid for our entire wedding. Mom and Dad came in at the end and paid for some of it, but that was like three days before the wedding.
  • Mom seems to be planning on paying for Stacy’s wedding.
  • Mom put the requirement on Zach when he asked to marry me that he would get a degree.
  • No requirements of any sort were put on Joe and/or Stacy.

I already have the feeling that I will be the one to take care of my elderly parents, then why does Stacy get everything?

Why is it okay for her to go on trips and stay at Joe’s house all the time, but it wasn’t for me? I mean, I was a virgin on the day I got married, but my father still doubted me. It was a topic of conversation all the time. But I never spent the night at Zach’s house, we were never caught half-naked in my closet making out, yet I was untrustworthy? Why? Stacy says I’m jealous of her, and maybe I am, but man, it’s not always fun being the oldest female child. It’s better to be the baby, the one they want to take care of, they one they don’t have to try things out on, the one that is allowed to have attitudes, the one that is allowed to take over the house even when she doesn’t live there.

And because of all this….I don’t want to have kids. I don’t think I can let them get married. I don’t want them to hate me. I don’t want them to move away from me. I don’t want to treat them different and them to compare.

Drowning

I’m having a rough week. It doesn’t seem all that rough, but I’m all torn up on the inside. I’ve gotten to the point where I want to shelter myself from the world, dig myself a whole and stay there for a really, really long time. I think this is how I felt most of my life growing up and the one of the main reasons I am such a loner and don’t have many friends.

I don’t like bad communication. I don’t like miscommunication. I don’t like being left out. I don’t like being ignored. I don’t like being left in the dark. I don’t like when people make plans…even tentative ones…and then conveniently forget about me. I don’t like when people don’t like me. But this week I’m getting these feelings in every possible direction and I feel like I’m drowning – drowning in emotional pain, anger, sadness, depression. I’m trying to be positive. I’m trying to do the right thing. But I really just want to yell and scream and shut myself in my little hole.

Laughter.

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? So hard, you could barely breathe or stand up? Probably, most of us have….at one point or another.

Last night I came downstairs to fill my water glass before bed. Zach was filling his glass as I turned off the lights and headed to the stairs. The upstairs lights were still on, so we had plenty of light. Guinness was sitting at the top of the stairs, but not right at the top like normal, like a foot and a half from the top step. His shoulders were hunched over and his big feet turned it and he was staring at me. I lost it, but still can’t quite figure out why. He looked puzzled which made it much, much worse. By the time Zach got to the stairs I could hardly hold my water or stand up. I had to hold onto the banister to remain standing and Zach took my water. Tears were streaming down my face, so I got a napkin to help. This got me away from Guinness….who still hadn’t moved. And I was able to calm down a bit, but not for long. Every time I saw him I started laughing. I explained through the laughter that he looked like Scooby-Doo. A strange comparison, because unlike Susie, I was never a huge Scooby-Doo fan. I finally decided to keep my back to him and stay in the dining room for a moment. That worked great, until I went to get another napkin and saw his reflection in the clock and he was still staring at me! Although now he was laying down and had inched a bit closer so he could see into the dining room. This sent me into another fit of laughter, so I moved to the kitchen. Finally, be left the stairs and I was fairly calm, so I headed up stairs. And managed to get into bed with only a chuckle or two. 🙂

I guess I needed a good laugh or cry or whatever it was. Zach and Guinness were both so perplexed. Lexi, on the other hand, never left her spot on the bed.

Maybe

I’m happy today.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s…..

…all the sleep I got last night.
…I didn’t get up until 11:47 this morning!
…the lazy day of shopping and putting off homework.
…that I actually got to talk to my husband.
…that my semester is just about over and I have all next week with no school.
…all the fun stuff coming up this week.just spring.

Last night we went to Cici’s with my mom….I was starving and what cheaper place to get all the food I want.  I was in my “work from home” clothes, which yesterday consisted of purple sweatish pants and one of Zach’s XL long sleeved Red shirts.  I was a mess.  I hadn’t brushed my hair since before I took a shower the day before and I had no make-up on.  And of course, what happens?  We run into Rene and his family.  I work with Rene, so we normally see each other in the office, when I look normal.  It was a bit embarrassing, but Mom and Zach assured me I didn’t look quite as bad as I felt I looked.  I wish I had a picture for you all to decide.  The original plan was to eat and then to get Becoming Jane Austen and watch it, but I got to talking and three hours later we were tired and decided we’d do the movie another night.  I think I just get lonely sometimes and need people to talk to.

Today Zach and I were suppose to work on homework all day, but….instead we went shopping.  I got three new dress….one cute spring-summerish dress, one summer businessy dress and what I refer to as a “sluty” dress.  But Zach assures me that it’s okay to have the occasionally slutty dress.  We also got some very cute shoes to go with the first two dresses.  Zach also got some much needed shirts and shoes.   We had lunch and were just plain slow.  I think we didn’t want to do homework.  Finally Zach just wanted to go home because he kept running into people he knew everywhere we went.

Homework was done tonight.  We are almost done, but I’m putting off my reflection to tomorrow.  I want to think about it a bit and Zach is taking a break from reading to hang with me and maybe eat dinner at 11PM!  I guess our whole day was a bit messed up.

Tomorrow we need to finish painting the hallway in the morning and the afternoon is suppose to be used for getting are garden in order.

Refiner’s Fire

This song has been one of my favorites for my whole life. I first hear it at a funeral and it has stuck with me ever since. I haven’t heard it in forever, until today when I randomly ended up on one of my ex-student’s myspace pages. Lord, this is my prayer.

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold, pure gold

Refiner’s fire
My heart’s one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will

Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within

Positive?

My husband and I had a bit of a dispute this morning.  I did all the talking (like always) and he said, “You’re right.  I’m sorry.  I’ll be better.”  This is NOT what I wanted.  When I spill my guts, I’d kind like him to spill his guts.  I expressed that to him.   Suddenly he told me everything he has been feeling.  And you could tell it was the truth in the way he said it.  I appreciated that so much and even though it wasn’t “happy” stuff, it made me feel so much better than the first response.

Later he told me the reason he doesn’t voice his opinion and state what is bothering him is because he is trying to stay positive and he knows that once he goes negative, it’s easier to stay there.  Okay, I see that, but…..doesn’t it seem to reason that it’s in your head, you are all ready being negative?  I don’t know.  I don’t like being negative and I love that my husband is always supportive and helpful and giving….and I’m sure his employees appreciate it a lot too, but sometimes I want to know what is really going on in there.

Food

I find it funny.  When Zach is home, I can’t ever think of anything to eat.  And I generally don’t want to cook.  On nights when Zach isn’t home, I wander around the kitchen a bit and always manage to find and eat something.  Last week, it was a make-shift chicken sandwich (made with chicken nuggets) and apple sauce.  This week, I had some Chicken Tortilla Soup and Hot Turkey and Cheese wrap.  I know these don’t sound extraordinary or anything, but the fact of the matter is…..if Zach was here I wouldn’t have had any of that.  My make-shift meals go out the window.  Is it because he is so picky?

Another

Our anniversary is coming up. I was hoping to be pregnant by now, but I’m not and I’m handling better than I expected, especially with all the people pregnant and having babies. All in God’s timing….I just wish he’d clue me in.

I’m a little torn on the subject. I want to be pregnant….some overwhelming urge, I don’t understand. And I want to have kids, but sometimes I’m scared. I like my life. I like being able to do anything whenever I want. I like not having a lot of responsibilities. I like Zach and my relationship. All this changes when you have kids. Everyone says you adjust and don’t even notice that you are now responsible for someone else, but with all this time to think about it, it just flat out scares me. I might be too selfish of a person to have kids.