Apprehensive

Oh my! I knew I hadn’t written in a while, but I didn’t realize it had been 15 days! Crazy.

I guess not a lot has been going on or maybe a lot has and I’ve just been too busy. 🙂 Zach has two online classes and has had tons of homework, so I’m getting kicked off the computer more. And really, what can I say…at least he work on something productive.

I’m hoping to update my Project 365 today…Zach has to work late, so I have a bit of time to kill.

I just received a phone call from my principal from last year. It was an accident, but it was good to talk to her. She said she misses me, but who wouldn’t? 🙂 I know a lot of the people I worked with last year can’t stand her, but you know, we all have our problems and things we do well and things we do poorly. I have to say, running a school, all employees and students, is not easy and she always has a smile on her face and that means something.

But really, none of this is what brought me to WordPress today… 🙂

Apprehensive….that’s the best word I can find to describe how I’ve felt about a lot of things lately.

I want to have kids and be a mother, but recently the idea seems to scare me. The name change. Having mom and dad be grandma and grandpa. Having someone else to worry about. So much can happen….miscarriages, still borns, infants dying, children being killed, teenagers injuring themselves. Maybe I don’t want to get pregnant. Maybe I don’t want to have kids. It seems they can only make life more stressful or more loved, depending on your thinking. I haven’t talked to Zach about this, I’m trying to remain calm. But inside I’m freaking out.

I think it’s all stemming form the fact that my good friend is about to have her baby. The little one is due on St. Patty’s Day and she is the closest person I’ve been to, who has been pregnant. And this is her first baby and I think part of me puts myself in her shoes and that’s when I freak out. I mean it’s still something I want, but not, all at the same time. How is that possible?

I contacted Stacy the other day. I wasn’t going to. I felt it was time she put forth some effort. I seem to always be the one to salvage and repair things. Does that mean I’m the only one who cares? I don’t know. It took her two days to respond, but she did and agrees we should talk. So, we are having lunch/margarita’s on Saturday. I’m a bit nervous about this. How is this sort of meeting suppose to go down? I don’t want it to be one sided. I don’t want to just get mad at her. I want her to understand where I’m coming from. I want to hear her side of everything. I want things better, but does she? What if she won’t talk (High possibility from what I know about her)? What if she lets me talk, but doesn’t really listen (usually happens)? What if we just blow up at each other and nothing is resolved? This “meeting” is going to happen, so all I can ask is for your prayers that all goes well and we can come to a mutual resolution.

Nashville. Right, what does this have to do with apprehension? Well, let me explain a bit. One of my big customers is being passed over to a new group in our company this year. Traditionally, the rep and my VP go to this customers be meeting every year. I went one year, but that was because it was here. I seem to be the best at the meeting, because I work closest and know everything about the customer so can answer there questions, but I didn’t work for the company last year, I was teaching, so I didn’t go. Well, this year, it has recently transitioned, since the new group didn’t have anyone to fill my shoes at first, I’ve stayed on until June and am now slowly passing things off to the person who will handle my roles. Because this is such a recent transition and I really know the most about the customer, they want me to go to the big meeting in Nashville in May. I know, people travel for business all the time, but it’s freaking me out.

First, I’ve only been away from Zach for one night since we were married almost four years ago. I know it’s not good to be so dependent on someone, but I don’t know if I want that to change. I like sleeping next to him. I’ve toyed with the idea of him joining me out there at some point, but the fact of the matter is, I will be busy most of the time.

Second….the meeting is Friday and Saturday….setup has to be done on Thursday by 2….soonest I could get in is 2:30, so I have to fly in on Wednesday and leave Sunday, which means more time away from home. If I can get Zach out and talk them into letting me extend my flight to a later date, I might stay and be a tourist for a few days, although I know no one in Nashville or TN for that matter and I’ve never been to the south, so I’d have completely no clue what to do.

Third….I don’t fly well. It makes me nervous and to fly by myself…..crap. I don’t know if I’ve flown since we got married. And then I’ll have to catch a shuttle or taxi to the hotel and I’ve never in my life done that and how do get back to the airport and what if I get lost and how much money do I have to take, how do I take my laptop through security, what do I do after I’m “off” and I’m only at the hotel and I’m by myself? If you know me at all, you’ll realize these seem like stupid questions. I’m independent, resourceful…I’ve got my act together, or at least that’s what the world thinks. As you can see, I’m scared to death and I’ve got two more months to stress about it. Great!

See, I’ve had a lot on my mind the past few weeks, just haven’t taken the time to write about it.

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3 thoughts on “Apprehensive

  1. I could comment on thebaby thing but I am afraid that even though I am a father that I am still an outsider as to how directly the process impacts the mother. I know my wife has a lot to say on the subject if you ever wanted to drop her a line.

    One thing I can talk to is travelling for business. I have travelled a few times before but I don’t travel as much as a lot of other people because of Cari and Judah. But when the stars are aligned (aka when my wife and son are healthy and nothing is keeping me here) I have travelled to many different places. The key to business trips is either to hang around with any coworkers that are going with you or if it’s just you research the place where you are going and map out the best restaurants, theaters, social gathering places… so you don’t get bored. Nothing is worse than just sitting in your hotel room bored and alone so try and keep yourself busy while you are there.

    The last trip I was on was to Maryland and I rented a car to get myself places. I went to different little restaurants, found a big mall nearby and a movie theater. I also arranged a dinner with my uncle while I was there since he lived close by. Without that I would have gone insane.

    But I have been to TN and it is a fun state. Nashville and Memphis are awesome music towns. If you want a cool experience look for the Bluebird Cafe outside of Nashville and try to have Dinner and a show, it would be a lot of fun (as long as they are playing music you like). Other than that there are a lot of good BBQ that you can’t get anywhere else!!! Just a couple thoughts.

    Give me a call if you want any more suggestions or ideas. The main thing is don’t freak out. You will miss Zach but you will be so happy to see him again when you get back.

  2. Thanks so much for the advice. I’m still super worried, but I talked to my boss, who is absolutely the best. She knows that sometimes I just need to talk and I’ll be fine, so she always listens.

    What we’ve come to is:

    Yes, I need to go the day before (wednesday) which will leave me with an after noon and most of a day of nothing to do.

    I could ditch out early (since I’m doing this other group a favor by going) on Saturday, but if I want to stay until Sunday the company will pay for it.

    I get some “free” PTO days for working the weekend.

    So, the plan is for Zach to come out on Thursday (airfare is super cheap right now) and he’ll hang out, most likely playing video games during the day and then on Sunday we’ll vacation until Tuesday and then come home. At this point in my life, I don’t see myself going back to Nashville, so I might as well take advantage of it while I can. 🙂

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