May 15

I had a wonderful day! I managed to stay out of my classroom for almost three full hours. I know this sounds odd, but I rarely leave my room. Today I walked a student to her science class, ran into a student who had decided not to come back to my class and ended up in the deans office where I could smell cookies baking, so I wandered over the Food for Today classroom where I decided to hang out. I didn’t know the teacher and I only knew one student, but it was so relaxing to get out of my room, hang out with some other people, talk to new teachers. I’m going to miss having place to escape to. And thanks to Sherre for making me cookies! They were even J’s with purple frosting. I might go back next week for tacos and nachos. 🙂

Have you ever felt like you weren’t being yourself? That people don’t know the real you? That who’ve you become is not who you want to be? A few months ago I felt that way. I was so negative. I don’t remember smiling. I guess I was in a funk. I heard people talking about how they didn’t know me or how I’d react to certain things. I’ve always known I’m pretty interverted and I don’t generally share the “real” me for quite sometime after I know people. I was talking to Tom today I think part of it might be the fact that I’m afraid of people judging me and saying negative things about me. I don’t know why I have this fear and I really don’t know why I thought teaching would be the place to get away from judgmental people, but in a way I think it’s helped me grow. I can’t say that I don’t care what people thing of me, but I understand that there are times that I have to just be me whether everyone around me likes that or not. I feel like I’m back to myself again. I’m a tad more outgoing, I smile more, I joke more, I’m not so negative….I’m me, who I like to be. Maybe part of this is because I have three weeks left and who cares what people say about me after I leave? Might as well enjoy the last few weeks attitude is great, but it’s made me sad. I love what I’m doing and I love the relationships I’m building with my fellow teachers and most of all my students. I tell them everyday that I love them, but I really don’t think they believe me. Each of my students has a special place in my heart. I can’t imagine what it would be like to teach at a school for four years and see the students I had as freshman grow into adults, they’ve all grown so much over the last several months.

I guess I’m filled with a joyful sorrow, or a sorrowful joy, or maybe both. 🙂

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