Damn Computers!!

I love technology…..really I do…..but today, when I’m tried and have a lot to do, why, oh why, do all my computer need to test me???

I have access to three computers at home. Our desktop, my old laptop (likes to overheat and shut it’s self off without warning) and my beautiful work laptop. Now, I’m suppose to be able to do all my work on the work laptop, but I think that would make things just a little too easy. I learned several weeks ago that the only thing the work laptop was good for was checking email, but even that changed this weekend. Would only start up on the third or fourth try, the computer itself would freeze up if you tried to go look at the task manager. Really, just plain stupid. So, I end up using our desktop for my email, but because we use outlook, internet explorer works best as the web browser, but can that work on the desktop. Noooooo, that would be too easy.

So, I have to use my personal laptop (the one that over heats) to access the secure sever, because for some reason it is the only one with the correct software installed and running. And today, it just won’t stay on. I’m frustrated. People need their reports. I just want to cry and go to bed, so I think I’m going to go eat and pretend computers haven’t been invented yet, then, maybe in 30 minutes I can come back and they will all work perfect, right???

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May 15

I had a wonderful day! I managed to stay out of my classroom for almost three full hours. I know this sounds odd, but I rarely leave my room. Today I walked a student to her science class, ran into a student who had decided not to come back to my class and ended up in the deans office where I could smell cookies baking, so I wandered over the Food for Today classroom where I decided to hang out. I didn’t know the teacher and I only knew one student, but it was so relaxing to get out of my room, hang out with some other people, talk to new teachers. I’m going to miss having place to escape to. And thanks to Sherre for making me cookies! They were even J’s with purple frosting. I might go back next week for tacos and nachos. 🙂

Have you ever felt like you weren’t being yourself? That people don’t know the real you? That who’ve you become is not who you want to be? A few months ago I felt that way. I was so negative. I don’t remember smiling. I guess I was in a funk. I heard people talking about how they didn’t know me or how I’d react to certain things. I’ve always known I’m pretty interverted and I don’t generally share the “real” me for quite sometime after I know people. I was talking to Tom today I think part of it might be the fact that I’m afraid of people judging me and saying negative things about me. I don’t know why I have this fear and I really don’t know why I thought teaching would be the place to get away from judgmental people, but in a way I think it’s helped me grow. I can’t say that I don’t care what people thing of me, but I understand that there are times that I have to just be me whether everyone around me likes that or not. I feel like I’m back to myself again. I’m a tad more outgoing, I smile more, I joke more, I’m not so negative….I’m me, who I like to be. Maybe part of this is because I have three weeks left and who cares what people say about me after I leave? Might as well enjoy the last few weeks attitude is great, but it’s made me sad. I love what I’m doing and I love the relationships I’m building with my fellow teachers and most of all my students. I tell them everyday that I love them, but I really don’t think they believe me. Each of my students has a special place in my heart. I can’t imagine what it would be like to teach at a school for four years and see the students I had as freshman grow into adults, they’ve all grown so much over the last several months.

I guess I’m filled with a joyful sorrow, or a sorrowful joy, or maybe both. 🙂

Loss

I don’t know if I’m ready to not be a teacher. I guess I don’t have much of a choice at this point, but…..I feel sad. I’m not leaving teaching because I hate it and maybe that’s the problem. In fact, I love teaching. I love talking to my students and learning new things every day. I love that I have 150 really close friends. I love my seniors….every last one of them, in fact, I love all my students. I guess that’s why teachers get possessive and call their students — “my kids.” We are like a family and we’re being ripped apart. It’s sad.

I realized today after school that I really only see my seniors one last (maybe two) days. Over the last few weeks I feel like I’ve gotten closer to my Journalism class and further away from my Newspaper class, the result is a wish for more time…..more time to get to know my Journalism student and more time to repair relationships in my Newspaper class. Why are things always complicated with people involved?

My only wish is for my students to keep in touch. I don’t think students bond like teachers do. I don’t remember being sad about school ending and not having my teachers anymore, but I definitely feel that today. I’m sure that feeling will only get stronger in the next few weeks.