WOW, I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed today. It has been one giant emotional roller coaster. My parents used to tell me I need one good cry a week, I suppose since it has been month since I’ve been this emotionally out of control, I’m improving, but I hate it. And because I hate it I think it makes it worse.
It all started when I was just trying to help a co-worker out and do my job. I needed some info, went to ask, no response, just asked to do another task. Pissed me off….told him “I was sorry I was trying to help.” Crap, then I felt like I need to cry….then he apologized for snapping at me…..I wasn’t even mad about him snapping, I was mad because I still didn’t have anything to help me complete my original task.
Later, I’d managed to get myself back under control and was in our boss’ office. He walked in and with a laugh in his voice apologized again, wanted to know if I wanted to talk about it. I said I can’t right now, as I could feel the tears coming, and he explained to our boss that he had snapped at me, I did manage to at least tell him that it wasn’t that, it was the way he treated me. And I left.
He sent another e-mail later. At least he knew I was upset, but man, sucks, because I spend most of the day crying and it’s 2:30 and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop any time soon.
So want to know what I learned about myself?
I talk to people in a rude, condescending, disrespectful tone.
So didn’t realize I was the scum of the earth, but that’s how I feel. I don’t want to be this way, I see it occasionally, but not as much as it is implied. I don’t want people to be scared of me, avoid me, talk about my rude behavior behind my back, this is the complete opposite of what I want to be. I don’t want to be like my father and my grandmother, but today, that’s who I am. I suck. I need to go back to bed.