email 12.03.99 // —

From: Jenn
To: Nathan
From: 12.03.1999

For some reason netzero will not let me send, so I you will again receive this through bewellnet.  I seem to be able tot receive mail through netzero, so I don’t know what is going on.  Oh, by the way, I think this might have to be considered my first novel.  It’s pretty long, especially for me. :o)

Dear Nathan,

I too was frustrated earlier and I spent the last two hours sleeping.  I on’t know how that helped me, in fact I don’t know if it really did.  I tried to save all the questions you asked and was going to answer them, but some how I lost them and so I think I will just ramble and maybe touch on some of the subjects if I remember what they were.  Last night we were talking about things that bother me about you, you were able to list a lot and yet the only thing I know that borthers you about me is how I am not easily able to share my feelings.  I would really like to stop focusing on the negative things.  Everything I can think of that bothers me about you is trivial.  It doesn’t have an effect on my feelings towards you, they are more just things that I can tease you about.  It is easier to tease you about those things than the things I love about you.  I remember you asking why do I think you would ever want to bother me.  I guess it was jus the way you were so concerned with things bothering me.  I also believe you asked a lot of the same questions from last Saturday, so I will go back and answer those.  How do I think our relationship has changed since we first met?  Well, it’s changed a ton!  But that is something you already know.  From my point of view instead of our relationship being one of those superficial – I don’t want to show my true self because he might not like me any more – it’s changed into a relationship where I really do feel free to be myself.  I feel like sometimes being myself frustrates you and I want to change, but sometimes I just don’t know what to do.  Like you’ve been saying recently, I also want to be the best that I can be.  And in our relationship, in order for it to be successful, I think we both need to work on things together.  I feel like you’ve taken on all the responsibility to make this work and it makes me feel bad, because it’s not all your responsibility.  We are in this together which means it’s both of our responsibility.  I just don’t know how.  I think talking about things, even if they do make us uncomfortable and are sometimes not the things we want to hear, will strengthen our relationship.  Another thing that I think would help strengthen our relationship would be to pray and do devotionals together.  I know you mentioned praying the other day and I would like to do that with you, but praying with other people has never been easy for me and so it might be awkward and hard to do the first couple of times, but I really think that we could have a lot of fun with it after we started doing it.  Am I happy with how everything in the relationship is going?  Well, I have to say long-term, since we met, all I remember our the great times we’ve shared.  I tend to block out the bad ones, so in answering this one only likes come to mind…just hanging out, laughing together, going places and just having fun.  While I do have some dislikes, they only focus on things that have happened today.  Mainly that once both of us got frustrated we “gave up” in a sense and left it to deal with later.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I just don’t like leaving our conversations in a bad way.  Next, what do I think about the closeness we have been experiencing recently?  Hmm…I think this is the one I got in trouble with last week.  :o)  I guess this is one area that I’ve maybe changed in the past week.  I’ve become more comfortable around you and because of that I’m not “scared off” by the possibility of being “close.”  I would love so much for our hugs to linger and to curl up next to you when watching T.V., seeing a movie or just talking and I would also love to hold hands, etc….  I thought about what I said last week and I know that is was not exactly worded to get the correct meaning I wanted across, but I guess that’s part of the communication, sometimes things doesn’t work the way you want them too.  I think that is basically everything you asked and everything I wanted to talk about.  I hope this all makes sense and it’s not offensive.  I think this maybe one of the first times I’ve expressed my feelings ever without erasing and rewording everything.  I didn’t start writing this time and not like what I was saying and go back and erae it.  In fact I think the only time I did go back and erase things was when I misspelled a word or forgot one.  I think that says a lot about how our relationship is progressing.  If you don’t get this too late, I would love to talk to you and know your reaction, so five me a call or e-mail me.  If I don’t talk to you before then, have a great day at work.  I will probably call you tomorrow night from my Aunt and Uncles house if that’s all right with you and if you will be home, if not just e-mail me and tell me.  Or whatever, I’ll have my cell phone if you want to call me.  Anyway, I think I’m becoming too comfortable with this rambling thing and I could go on writing about just getting a hold of each other all night and that would not be a very exciting read for you and it probably wouldn’t be the best use of my time either. :o) so I will talk to you later.

Love,
Jennifer

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