Written: November 20, 2007

In the fall of 1999, I began my first year in college. As part of that adventure I bought a new laptop. I was still living at home, so I didn’t NEED a laptop, but it did come in handy. I used the laptop for four years when it decided it didn’t want to save to disk anymore and was causing me heartache in school. I bought a new laptop, but was never able to part with my first baby due to the fact that it held all the email, essentially my life, for two full years. It captured the most emotional parts of my life. I recently decided to retype my “sent” items into my blog. What better way to keep a running record of my life. So far, I’ve re-experienced my first boy troubles and the hectic life of a freshman college student working a full time job.

I’m still torn as to what to do with all the email’s I was sent. I might retype them as well and leave them private as it’s not my writing, I have snuck a few in here already because they were important e-mails that got me through a lot and I don’t want to lose them.

I warn you, if you choose to read, it will take you hours, but you could equate it to a novel, kinda like the TTYL series. Anyway, the first section….September 1999-December 1999 starts now.

“Love” Interests

September 1999
09.06.99 — To: Alan {Hi!}
09.06.99 — To: Ali {Sorry!}
09.09.99 — To: Mr. Stewart {Guess What???}
09.13.99 — To: Dennis {The Burning Hut}
09.15.99 — To: Beth {Re: You are fabulous}
09.15.99 — To: Tammy {Hello!}
09.15.99 — To: Mr. Stewart {Hi!}
09.15.99 — To: Alan {Hi!}
09.29.99 — To: Rachel {Re: rachel}
09.30.99 — To: Susie {Friday}

October 1999
10.11.99 — To: Mr. Stewart {Re: Do you have a boyfriend yet?}
10.12.99 — To: Jenn (Me) {Are you happy?}
10.14.99 — To: Leif {Sorry I missed you.}
10.17.99 — To: Grandma Helen {HI}
10.18.99 — To: Tammy {Howdy!}
10.19.99 — To: Bianca {Re: Hello!}
10.24.99 — To: Crystal S. {Hello!}
10.25.99 — To: Mr. Stewart {Hi!}
10.28.99 — To: Nathan {Good Morning!}
10.30.99 — To: Crystal T. {Hi!}
10.31.99 — To: Brandon {Thanks for writing!}

November 1999
11.01.99 — To: Nathan {Re: Something for you to read!}
11.02.99 — To: Nathan {Re: hello}
11.04.99 — To: Nathan {Response…}
11.07.99 — To: Nathan {Thanks!}
11.08.99 — To: Nathan {Just wanted to say “Hi”}
11.13.99 — To: Jeremy {Yes!!}
11.13.99 — To: Leigh {Re: 🙂}
11.13.99 — To: Nathan {End to Beginning}
11.16.99 — To: Nathan {No Subject}
11.16.99 — To: Jeremy {No Subject}
11.18.99 — To: Jeremy {No Subject}
11.19.99 — To: Nathan {Thanks for the wonderful afternoon!}
11.19.99 — To: Jeremy {Hello!}
11.21.99 — To: Mr. Stewart {Boyfriend}
11.21.99 — To: Crystal S. {Re: Hey from Crystal}
11.23.99 — To: Nathan {Just a little Good Morning!}
11.24.99 — To: Nathan {Nothing to do…}
11.25.99 — To: Nathan {Happy Thanksgiving!}
11.27.99 — To: Mr. Stewart {No Subject}
11.27.99 — To: Jeremy {Re: to our friendship}
11.28.99 — To: Meredith T. {Hello!}

December 1999
12.02.99 — To: Nathan {Re: Hope everything goes okay!}
12.02.99 — To: Mr. Stewart {Reply}
12.03.99 — To: Nathan {Re: Just a short email!}
12.03.99 — To: Nathan {No Subject}
12.06.99 — To: Nathan {Re: Hello}
12.06.99 — To: Mr. Stewart {Re: Ankle}
12.06.99 — To: Mr. Stewart {Re: a “B”?}
12.10.99 — To: Nathan {I’m soooo sorry!}
12.11.99 — To: Nathan {Re: ?}
12.12.99 — To: Nathan {Re: Well you have almost become successful}
12.16.99 — To: Nathan {Happy Birthday!}
12.18.99 — To: Nathan {Thanks!}
12.20.99 — To: Crystal S. {Re: Hi- Jenny}
12.20.99 — To: Emma {Hi}
12.20.99 — To: Tammy {No Subject}
12.21.99 — To: Nathan {Thanks!}
12.22.99 — To: Nathan {Hmm…I can’t think of one!}
12.23.99 — To: Nathan {schedule}
12.23.99 — To: Jessica {Plane tickets}
12.25.99 — To: Nathan {Merry Christmas}
12.26.99 — To: Nathan {No Subject}
12.30.99 — To: Nathan {No Subject}


email 12.18.99 // Thanks!

From: Jenn
To: Nathan
Date: 12.18.1999

Dear Nathan,

Thanks for writing.  I know I talk to you everday, but there is just something about getting something in writing from you.  It’s so special.  I can go back and read it over and over and over again.  I’m sure you probably feel the same way.  Well, my day was very relaxing.  I didn’t really shop.  I got bored really quickly and went out ot the car and read my book.  I finished it.  It was a very good book and it challenged me in my relationship with God.  I’ve noticed recently that the books that I really like and think are really good, are always the books that challenge me.  I still would like to start praying and discussing the Bible with you.  I really think it would help us grown, both in our relationship and also with God.  Maybe instead of saying what are we going to do?  What would you like to do?  etc…we should just say okay, neither one of us has anything really pressing, we should pray and read the Bible for a while.  What do you think?

About Monday, I only have to clean the house.  I was thinking it might be fun to go get dinner before the game instead of after, that is if I’m still invited.  I guess I’m assuming too much, but I just look for any excuse to spend time with you.

Sorry I didn’t write more, but I just looked at the clock and I really have to get going or I’m going to be late.  I should be home sometime around 9.  I’ll call you when I get home.  I’ll talk to you then.


email 12.16.99 // Happy Birthday!

From: Jenn
To: Nathan
Date: 12.16.1999

Dear Nathan,

I wanted to spend some time this morning writing you a letter.  But, it’s not going to happen.  I woke up late and I’m moving as slow as molasses.  So, I’m just going to have to leave this as a Happy Birthday note.  Have a terrific day.  I hope that is’t everything you want it to be.



email 12.12.99 // Re: Well you have almost become successful

From: Jenn
To: Nathan
Date: 12.12.1999

Dear Nathan,

What you say scares me.  I don’t want to push you away at all.  You are such a big part of my life.  I think yesterday and my bad mood was based a lot on that – feeling like I had already lost you, and not knowing if I would get you back.  I don’t approach life as trying to push people away – it just seems to happen.  Please help me so that I do not push you out of my life.  About you getting me into my mood, that is definitely not the cse.  Maybe a bit was based on you, but I started feeling that way way earlier in the week, with stuff that had absolutely nothing to do with you.  I can tell you the main reason I get in bad moods has a lot to do with PMS, when there is something to agitate me around that time, things get blown way out of proportion.  Usually the longest it takes me to change my mood is a day, sometimes people are able to pull me out of my moods by getting me thinking about something else, but you know, I haven’t ever really thought about it.  As for this relationship only benefiting you, I would love to say WHATEVER, yet I don’t think that is the best response it is just what came to my mind.  If it wasn’t benefiting me, if I hadn’t grown so attached to you, would I try at all to keep this relationship together?  I think I could say the same thing, that from my point of view I see this relationship only benefiting me, but where would that get us?  I doubt it would get us anywhere.  Can we please talk about all this stuff?  I feel like I’m finally comfortable with you that I can share my true feelings and yet all it seems to be doing is pushing you away.  I don’t want that to happen and I think if we were to talk about it instead of write about it, it might help a lot.  I will be over around your house this afternoon and I think that it would be nice to go to lunch and talk about this stuff.  That is just a suggestion.  I will call around noon to see what your decision is, hopefully you’ve read this by then.


email 12.11.99 // Re: ?

From: Jenn
To: Nathan
Date: 12.11.1999

Dear Nathan,

I’m so sorry to have made you this mad.  I don’t really know how this one little thing could cause this much frustration and anger.  Last night, I did get on after you did and got off as soon as I got my ail.  I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to see you, in fact all I really wanted, still want to do, is give you a hug and never let go.  I don’t know if that would solve the problem though.  The reason I didn’t IM you last night was because I figured if you didn’t want to see me, you probably didn’t want to talk either.  I was talking to Mom last night about how every time anyone gets close to me I unconsciously put up a shield to protect myself from being hurt.  Guess what?  I think I’ve told you before, it always works, not that I want it too, but it does.  No one, neither me or the people I’ve been friends with are strong enough to over come it.  I hope that this is not the case with us.  Dad says I’m too stubborn, that I always have been.  I wish I weren’t, but I guess in some situations it is a good thing.  I want so much to be close to you, it just scares me.  I don’t know why, but it does.  I think that bunch of rambling should show you how I felt last night as well as now.  If you really want to talk to me, I would be more than willing to call, I just don’t know if you really do.  I hope you had a great day.


email 12.10.99 // I’m soooo sorry!

From: Jenn
To: Nathan
Date: 12.10.1999

Dear Nathan,

Can I tell you how much I hate myself?  Maybe you don’t want to know, but I’m so frustrated that I would treat your the way I did.  I guess you could say I was having a bad day.  I don’t know.  There is really no excuse.  I just flipped out.  Please forgive me.  The movie theater was your fault (actually mine, but since you say it was yours we’ll jsut go with that), today was completely my fault.  I have days like that.  When nothing will make me happy, but no one actually causes me to be upset.  It’s always just me.  Anyway I just wanted to say that I feel really bad.  I will have to make it up to you sometime.  I have more to say, but I will save that for later.  I’m not leaving you hanging I just don’t have time right now.  I’ll talk to you later.


email 12.06.99 // Re: a “B”?

From: Jenn
To: Mr. Stewart
Date: 12.06.1999


Yes, Nathan came over to pick me up tonight.  We went and saw Toy Story 2 together.  It’s kinda nice going to a movie on a weeknight.  Not as crowded.  I don’t know if I will be able to bring him by, because he actually has to go to his finals and I wouldn’t want to interfere with his school work.

You missed my birthday.  November 15.  Mark it on your permanent calendar, I’ll expect you to remember it next year.  And yes, last year you did take me out to lunch, this year we are both just so busy.

Well I really need to go.  I’m tired and have to go to work tomorrow.  I’ll talk to you next week.


email 12.06.99 // Re: Ankle

From: Jenn
To: Mr. Stewart
Date: 12.06.1999

Hey Stew!

I only sprained my ankle, but it sure does hurt.  Not as bad as when I broke my foot.  It’s all purple and blue right now.  Very attractive.  And trust me I would not purposely hurt myself just to get close to a guy.  Not worth it.

Last night I went to the Boulder Dinner Theater and saw Fiddler on the Roof.  It was really good.  Susie came with me and we had a lot of fun.  For my birthday Susie and I are going to go and see Phantom of the Opera.  I wanted to see Riverdance, but we didn’t get tickets early enough.  That’s okay, I’m thrilled to go to Phantom.  I love going and seeing performances.

Well, it looks like I will end my first semester with three A’s and one B.  In my Intro to Psychology class I have an A, and so I don’t have to take the final.  Then in my Western Civilization class, he said if we are satisfied with our grades we don’t have to take the final.  I just got 10 out of 10 on the last two essarys we did, and I don’t think I have a chance to bring it up to an A, but if it’s close to and A and I have a change, I will take the final.  In my English and First Year Seminar classes our final is an essay.  In English I’ve gotten A’s on everything, so if I do well, I’ll have an A in the class.  And in First Year Seminar I have to get a total of 15 points out of 35 on my final to get an A.  Pretty sad, huh?

Well, I’ve got to go get some stuff done, before Nathan comes to pick me up.  I’ll talk to you later and hopefully I will be able to visit next week, since I don’t have many finals.


email 12.06.99 // Re: Hello

From: Jenn
To: Nathan
Date: 12.06.1999

Dear Nathan,

I’m completely exhausted, so I will make this short.  The musical was great and spending time with Susie was fun.  I would love to meet your for lunch, so I will see you in the library.  Does this mean I will never get a response to my first novel?  Well, here are my jumbled up thoughts of right now.  I miss you!  I’m so glad I get to see you in a couple hours.


email 12.03.99 // —

From: Jenn
To: Nathan
From: 12.03.1999

For some reason netzero will not let me send, so I you will again receive this through bewellnet.  I seem to be able tot receive mail through netzero, so I don’t know what is going on.  Oh, by the way, I think this might have to be considered my first novel.  It’s pretty long, especially for me. :o)

Dear Nathan,

I too was frustrated earlier and I spent the last two hours sleeping.  I on’t know how that helped me, in fact I don’t know if it really did.  I tried to save all the questions you asked and was going to answer them, but some how I lost them and so I think I will just ramble and maybe touch on some of the subjects if I remember what they were.  Last night we were talking about things that bother me about you, you were able to list a lot and yet the only thing I know that borthers you about me is how I am not easily able to share my feelings.  I would really like to stop focusing on the negative things.  Everything I can think of that bothers me about you is trivial.  It doesn’t have an effect on my feelings towards you, they are more just things that I can tease you about.  It is easier to tease you about those things than the things I love about you.  I remember you asking why do I think you would ever want to bother me.  I guess it was jus the way you were so concerned with things bothering me.  I also believe you asked a lot of the same questions from last Saturday, so I will go back and answer those.  How do I think our relationship has changed since we first met?  Well, it’s changed a ton!  But that is something you already know.  From my point of view instead of our relationship being one of those superficial – I don’t want to show my true self because he might not like me any more – it’s changed into a relationship where I really do feel free to be myself.  I feel like sometimes being myself frustrates you and I want to change, but sometimes I just don’t know what to do.  Like you’ve been saying recently, I also want to be the best that I can be.  And in our relationship, in order for it to be successful, I think we both need to work on things together.  I feel like you’ve taken on all the responsibility to make this work and it makes me feel bad, because it’s not all your responsibility.  We are in this together which means it’s both of our responsibility.  I just don’t know how.  I think talking about things, even if they do make us uncomfortable and are sometimes not the things we want to hear, will strengthen our relationship.  Another thing that I think would help strengthen our relationship would be to pray and do devotionals together.  I know you mentioned praying the other day and I would like to do that with you, but praying with other people has never been easy for me and so it might be awkward and hard to do the first couple of times, but I really think that we could have a lot of fun with it after we started doing it.  Am I happy with how everything in the relationship is going?  Well, I have to say long-term, since we met, all I remember our the great times we’ve shared.  I tend to block out the bad ones, so in answering this one only likes come to mind…just hanging out, laughing together, going places and just having fun.  While I do have some dislikes, they only focus on things that have happened today.  Mainly that once both of us got frustrated we “gave up” in a sense and left it to deal with later.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I just don’t like leaving our conversations in a bad way.  Next, what do I think about the closeness we have been experiencing recently?  Hmm…I think this is the one I got in trouble with last week.  :o)  I guess this is one area that I’ve maybe changed in the past week.  I’ve become more comfortable around you and because of that I’m not “scared off” by the possibility of being “close.”  I would love so much for our hugs to linger and to curl up next to you when watching T.V., seeing a movie or just talking and I would also love to hold hands, etc….  I thought about what I said last week and I know that is was not exactly worded to get the correct meaning I wanted across, but I guess that’s part of the communication, sometimes things doesn’t work the way you want them too.  I think that is basically everything you asked and everything I wanted to talk about.  I hope this all makes sense and it’s not offensive.  I think this maybe one of the first times I’ve expressed my feelings ever without erasing and rewording everything.  I didn’t start writing this time and not like what I was saying and go back and erae it.  In fact I think the only time I did go back and erase things was when I misspelled a word or forgot one.  I think that says a lot about how our relationship is progressing.  If you don’t get this too late, I would love to talk to you and know your reaction, so five me a call or e-mail me.  If I don’t talk to you before then, have a great day at work.  I will probably call you tomorrow night from my Aunt and Uncles house if that’s all right with you and if you will be home, if not just e-mail me and tell me.  Or whatever, I’ll have my cell phone if you want to call me.  Anyway, I think I’m becoming too comfortable with this rambling thing and I could go on writing about just getting a hold of each other all night and that would not be a very exciting read for you and it probably wouldn’t be the best use of my time either. :o) so I will talk to you later.